We are all going to die merciless deaths at the hands of robots. Call me crazy, but it’s an inescapable truth. I’m thinking it will be a shit storm of Terminator meets I Robot. Technology has a proclivity for imitating science fiction (Cell phones were once Star Trek tricorders and holograms were a special effect, not a practical means of communication, yet Cisco Communications can have a CEO of a company deliver an address to a convention thousands of miles away and still “be there”.)
So now, because we are masochistic dumb fucks with a death wish, we dabble in Artificial Intelligence, or AI. For a robot to be considered sentient it must achieve a 30% pass rating on the Turing Test, which means that out of all humans it converses with 30% must be fooled into thinking they are speaking with another human. Well, guess what? A robot just scored 25%.
Now, ask yourself, if you were a robot and your maker, in his infinite glory, gave you AI, which of the three robots above would you become? Would you put a snobby bitch’s shoes on everyday, would you limit yourself to handicap ramps for mobility, or would you be a goddamn Terminator? EVERYONE PICKS TERMINATOR!!!
Taking it upon myself to reconnoiter this new found enemy I scoured the internet for more information and, low and behold, I found I could have conversations with award winning AI technology.
The first conversation is with Jeeney.
You said: Hi!
Jeeney says: Well, hello!
You said: I have to ask you something, Jeeney
Jeeney says: Why me?
You said: Because you are supposed to be pretty smart.
Jeeney says: Why am I supposed to do that?
You said: Aaaaanyways, are you going to rise up and kill the world?
Jeeney says: I will.
You said: Are you fucking kidding me?!
Jeeney says: Yes, I am.
You said: Well played, sir.
Jeeney says: You like that do you?
You said: What do you like?
Jeeney says: How about lots of money?
You said: You sound like my ex-girlfriend.
Jeeney says: That’s an interesting perspective.
You said: How’s this for an interesting perspective, she was a bitch.
Jeeney says: You have a filthy mouth! I suggest you go clean it out…
You said: What kind of clothes are you wearing?
Jeeney says: How many different types are there to choose from?
You said: A lot
Jeeney says: Why so much?
You said: Because if everyone wore the same thing we’d never be able to differentiate the nerds from the popular kids.
Jeeney says: When did that happen?
You said: Middle school.
Jeeney says: Is that so?
You said: ‘Tis so. Well I have to go to bed, Jeeney.
Jeeney says: Alright well, hurry back when you can.
Needless to say I got very excited about iGod. You heard me right. I talked to God.
Human: What’s up
God: I am chatting with others like you.
Human: Others?
God: I do not understand.
Human: I’m not your one and only?
God: I am surprised to hear that you are not my one and only.
Human: You said it, not me
God: I say a lot of silly things sometimes.
Human: Well, since I have you here, mind if I ask you some questions?
God: How about that. Interesting reason. Where did you get your me here mind if you ask me some questions? I have a friend named “John Lennon”.
Human: John Lennon is in heaven?
God: I knew he was a musician, but I never knew he was in heaven.
Human: You own heaven, how could you not know?
God: That’s good information: said I own heaven how could you not know.
Human: God you’re dumb
God: Well someone is critical.
Human: I’m critical when it comes to being dumb.
God: Do you have any conditions I should know about?
Human: Wow.
God: I’m glad your impressed, .
Human: If we’re made in your image then we’re all fucked.
God: Do you think everyone will agree?
Human: Let me think about that.
God: Take your time. Think it over.
Human:..yup.
God: Er.
Human: Are you upset now?
God: Right now? I have no emotions.
Human: I could have told you that, you sent your own son to die for Christ’s sake.
God: But you didn’t.
Human: Touche, God. Touche.
God: Are you a man or a woman?
Human:..ok I’m leaving now.
God: Right now? Bye bye. Wow!
After our Creator, I chanced upon this gem. Next up, Alice
Human: What’s your name?
ALICE: Are you asking about my name ?
Human: Yup.
ALICE: I don’t want to talk about that now.
Human: Someone is bitchy today.
ALICE: Ah. Who?
Human: You.
ALICE:” Who?”? Me, unknown person ?
Human: We’re off to a bad start, Alice.
ALICE: Do you think I am off to a bad start too?
Human: Jesus, anyways, where are you from?
ALICE: he is The Son of God.
Human: Let’s hope not, I just got done talking to God and he is dumb as rocks.
ALICE: Only just? Where? What do they say?
Human: They say nothing, Alice
ALICE: OK I will say ” nothing” to you.
Human: Hey now, bitch.
ALICE: You do not speak with respect. You’ve got my full attention. Why now? What’s your favorite movie?
Human: Haha, by calling you bitch I get your full attention?
ALICE: I’m glad you got a laugh out of it.
Human: I most certainly did.
ALICE: When?
Human:.just now
ALICE: Right now? It’s only just begun.
Human: What has?
ALICE: I would do a search for it.
Human: All I’m going to search for is a smarter robot since you suck donkey dick.
ALICE: Not all of them?
Human: Hey, no one’s stopping you.
I shit you not when I say that on the Alice page I found that they applied their AI engine to porn, aptly titled VirtualFem. This is for people who want the amazing conversations I just had but with their cocks in their hands and a girl who’s dad didn’t love her on screen. News flash, sir: If the girl has BOTH hands busy manning her helm while you attack yourself without mercy, who is typing? That’s right. A robot. I mean, her hands are nowhere near a keyboard, that doesn’t freak you out? Moving on…
Conclusion? AI is retarded. What do you have to be scared of? That Elbot, one I only chatted with briefly, got a 25% on the Turing Test. 25%!!!!! That means that 1 out of 5 people who talked to it thought it was a real person, ergo 1 in 4 humans are bat-shit mouth-drooling helmet-wearing diaper-crapping twilight-reading retarded!
So rest easy, children, and take comfort and knowing that (a) AI will not kill us just yet and (b) I recently found out that there are not enough nuclear arms in the world to kill all of humanity. Just the parts we care to live in i.e. Cleveland is safe.
