I am in fact sick. Though I’m not really sure what I have, I’m pretty sure its AIDS, but luckily I have like 2 weeks worth of Benadryl, so we’re holding down the fort. I tried singing Wednesday night with this chest cold and at first I felt bad for myself because I realized how bad I sounded. Then I immediately stopped and felt bad for everyone else because I’m sure what they experienced was on par with enjoying a monkey at the zoo until it starts flinging its own shit at you like it’s a Cy Young pitcher. Truth be told most of the people there knew me already, so I couldn’t have cared less. What bothered me was my friend brought a GORGEOUS girl out who is smart, funny and loves guitar players. I’m not one to shamelessly use my guitar/singing to instigate conversation with otherwise nonattainable girls (contrary to popular belief) but apparently my friend had aggrandized my abilities to the point that I either had to play and sing unbelievably or rely on my good looks and charm.
Needless to say I was counting on the music. If I had to guess, I would say that she was more disappointed than Lance Bass is gay. By the way, congratulations Lance on shocking us with something completely obvious. If Vin Diesel said he was gay I’d shit a phone book. You coming out of the closet is as exciting as the 5th season of Buffy. We got it already. On The Line (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0279286/) was a bigger facade than William Shatner’s hair. Anyway so I talk to this girl and she’s funny, smart, attractive. The kind of girl that mid conversation you make a mental note to start going back to the gym. And now, being newly single, I’m completely second guessing myself at all times.
I did forget about the games. Why can’t it be easy? Why can’t it be guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy asks girl out, guy and girl click, guy and girl become boyfriend and girlfriend, and eventually get divorced 5 years later? I didn’t even ask for her number because I didn’t want to look “wanting” I suppose, and that’s so stupid. Ironically when you want a girl you’re supposed to pretend that you don’t, and that in turn garners her attention. Isn’t that like having a question but pretending to know the answer and waiting for someone to just tell you out of nowhere? These games are so meandering. And when I get her number when do I call? I feel like Andy in 40 year old virgin “Ok, so when should I call her” “You really like this girl?” “Yeah” “When are the next Olympics?”
Anthony, my brother, has a philosophy that if he calls a girl, he’ll wait about 2 days before he calls again if he doesn’t hear back. Then after that she is an antiquity, unless she redeems herself with a good reason or a change of attitude. The point is I don’t want to have to play games, I just want something uncomplicated and fun. I suppose I just described a hooker. Rephrase. I just want something legal, uncomplicated and fun….and free. Oh man, she also watches almost as many movies as I do, and reads voraciously. I feel like I’m playing McDonald’s Monopoly and found the Boardwalk piece. The problem is now showing no enthusiasm. I have to sit there and pretend like I don’t like it. I feel like Lance Bass at a proctologist (I can’t stop saturating the Lance Bass jokes). Anyone with good girl advice let me know because I’m a fisherman without a bait right now, just a really long pole. Wink.
And on that sophomoric penis joke I’ll call it a night. I’m tired and slowly losing literacy.
