Rene Descartes was onto something there. Why can I mirror the ideas of a 17th century philosopher into my blog? Because in this little arena of internet I call my own I can be as incongruous as a fascist voting ballot and not give a shit.
“I think therefore I” am transgresses into our psyche more than one would think. In practice, if I choose to think I’m afraid, then I’m afraid. If I choose to be patient, then I’m patient. If I choose to do well on a test, then I cheat…So you see it’s what you perceive that’s important to you, not the actual occurrence. Keep this in mind and you’ll understand why you’re such a great drunk. (Disclaimer: I don’t broach on the topic of ‘drinking with friends for no reason’ simply because there are meetings for such people and ergo necessitates no further divulgence http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash)
Drinking. 1)The act of consuming liquids. 2) The act of drinking alcoholic beverages to excess. Now here’s where I’m going to go ahead and amend Webster’s to attune the definition with most everyone I’ve ever socialized with.
3) The act of engaging in an uncreative social congregation with intentions to copulate and/or revisit that egg salad from lunch.
So let me point out the first inherent flaw in such a plan, speaking from a male perspective. I’ll get to the grandeur of female drinking soon enough. Guys suck harder than a prize whore at a popsicle eating contest when talking to girls, and that’s sober. Logic, common sense, awareness, and eloquence are just a few of the traits that one diverges with when getting drunk, and in turn heighten the senses and attributes you primarily do not want to wear on your sleeve, a few being:
1) Lowered inhibitions. If you were too embarrassed to show it when you were sober, trust me, now’s not a good time either. Not to mention, if by getting hammered you feel comfortable enough to now walk up to a normally unattainably hot girl, it’s still ‘I think therefore I am’, not ‘I think therefore she does also’. You had a better shot 5 drinks ago when your shirt didn’t have a beer stain oddly resembling Australia.
2)Heightened sexuality. Yeah, if I were a girl looking at your drooling, stumbling ass about to throw down a great one-liner, let me tell you, that would be fucktastic. You have a better shot at bringing back the slap bracelet. Those things were fucking cool. (http://www.ribbonworks.co.uk/slap-bracelets.cfm)
3) Diminished motor skills. I’m not berating those who drink and drive. If I actually have to point out drinking and driving is wrong, do us a favor and swan dive off a high rise. Remember you get less points for a big splash, and you’ll need a high score to beat Canada. I’m talking about the fact that after you’ve fallen twice and hit your head you now bear a striking Quasimodo resemblance in both walk and appearance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quasimodo). Safe to say, short of you now meeting a girl named Esmeralda, you’re shit out of luck. And you just spilled another drink on yourself. This one, of a Galapagos Islands resemblance, is less noticeable than the land down under on your chest.
4)Whiskus Dikeitus. Or in layman’s terms, the same feeling you got in that dream where you’re naked in front of the class and everyone’s laughing. Or no one had that dream and now I’m embarrassed. Anyway, you somehow cajoled a poor girl into engaging in sexual intercourse with you. Congratulations Kasparov, you got her in check and moving in for the mate (pun intended) but watch out, here comes your Vladimir Kramnik and he just beat the shit out of your rook and bishop, Kramnik being your lack of erection due to the fact that the alcohol in your blood stream dilated your blood vessels and now your chances are out like Lance Bass from a closet. Checkmate. Cruel irony, 1 - your penis, nothing. I’m embarrassed therefore I am.
In summation for the guys, give yourself a break, drink less, talk more, stop I Am Sam’ing it around the bars and clubs and think of some alternative social activity (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0277027/plotsummary).
P.S. To highlight the Descartes philosphy, essentially I was getting at the fact that even though when you drink you think you look better (and you feel better), well you still look like a douche to us.
