How do you find a great girl? If you really want a short answer, there was almost a 10 minute window between that question and my response. Girls are a fucking mystery. Honestly, if you made an elephant appear in the room, read its mind only to learn the number between 1-1000 I secretly had in my mind, I would be impressed, but only about half as much as if you found a really great girl. Call me jaded (some would say blayded) but I just turned twenty fuckin four and it’s just bleak and depressing to know that there are more jedi than good girls.
What are the qualities one would look for in a great girl? Some would ….all would call me picky, but I’m not picky, as a matter of fact I ignore my ‘List’ of wants almost exclusively, and why? Because women are bat shit, ass backwards, fuck numbingly crazy. All. Of. Them. My goal, as a man, is to find one with the Least Level of Crazy (which I really want to turn into a limited liability company. LLC LLC would just look great monogramed on a company polo.) But more on LLCs later, right now we’re talking quality. So what are the initial qualities? For me there are 3. Just 3 (in no particular order):
Attractive
Funny
Smart
Attraction. This is important, because honestly, if you weren’t initially attracted to the person you end up with, it’s because they grew on you. Attraction always comes first. For instance, I always prided myself on having a good personality. In turn, I felt my “move” was to lock them into a phone conversation and then just pray to any god that’s most likely to answer first that she finds me funny/smart/different enough to warrant another conversation. This was because I never thought I would walk into a bar and a girl look at me and think “Oh wow. I want to fuck the shit out of his personality. Lord that’s a hot IQ.” Daniel vs tan gym rat will always get trumped, case closed. This is why my tactic was the “Phone & Grow”. There are others who use this method, Phil McCarty for instance. It’s the feeling of knowing that you are better than the next guy in conversation and being all around interesting, but the knowledge that it getting to that point of discovery is nil. Having said that, it’s a double standard, because I also want to be attracted to who I am with, and have found some girls Phone & Growing me in the past. This is running dangerously close to convolution, moving on.
Funny. A funny girl is as common as a buffet in Malawi. And if a girl is legitimately funny, then everything else is just all wrong. Tina Fey seems to be the current “go to” for smart/funny/attractive but, as Filup Molina once pointed out to me, I would not have gone for her were she my age. Sadly, he’s probably right. Is it too much to ask for a pop-culture savvy, quick-witted girl to be with? Can’t I make a Lando Calrissian reference that she gets while we watch Arrested Development, which happens to be her favorite show? No. I can’t. Wanna know why? Because the second I stop being “On”, that is trying to be her organ grind monkey in order to keep her attention and interests on me, then the talking stick gets passed to her and I find myself so bored I’d rather watch the Weather Channel. While it’s paused. But hey, I don’t need the Dane Cook of girls, I just want one that makes me smile. (insert awwwws)
Smart. Self explanatory. Granted my track record is marked with girls that have matching ages with IQs, but I’ve always just wanted a smart girl. I feel like every girl I’ve been with I had to color coordinate her keys and put locks on the drawers with knives in them.
It shouldn’t be hard to find a girl with those qualities, and therein lies the rub; there is no girl with those qualities. Again, it’s just a search for the best LLC. Did you know I have never dated a girl I had to try hard to be my girlfriend? Do you want to know why? Because the statistical probability of being sweet and nice to a girl and she respond kindly is the same as the Flux Capacitor being a plausible technology. I mean, in no way, shape, or form does it look like anything more than 3 lights in glass tubes. And to keep this in BTTF, I can try my hardest, but I’ll end up telling her she’s “my density” and then she’ll just go for Calvin Klein because he’s dreamy. Such is life. It’s a simple fact that everyone knows:
The less attention you give a girl, the more she wants you.
How fucking nutty is that!?!?! Literally do the opposite of what you want and she will respond kindly. That is retarded. Ape shit retarded. But such is life, and as such the next time I find a good LLC I will just play it off as if she sucks. Insert anything you know about the Mystery Method right here. It’s a tragedy that his methods work.
In other news, I went to wikihow and searched about relationships, and I highly recommend going there (http://www.wikihow.com/Category:Getting-a-Date) and perusing the articles for sheer amusement. At the bottom of each on there are tips, and under the tips are warnings. This was my favorite warning: “Don’t be creepy. No one likes stalkers. If you are unsure of what it means to be creepy, imagine what it would take to creep you out. Don’t hang around too much. Don’t be everywhere she is. Don’t track her movements. If she says she needs “space”, then you’re one step away from the creepy zone.” Looks like George McFly needed the internet.
All I’m saying is that I would love nothing more than to find a great girl and I’m not optimistic. Don’t mistake this as my urgent need for a girl right now or pining of any kind, simply the fact that in this long ass tunnel of romantic interest the light at the end seems to flicker more than it should, and to be honest that’s not exactly instilling any confidence that would sway my opinion. But, if you are attractive, smart, funny and think you are less crazy than the girl next to you, come on down.
