Some seem to think I would be doing a chronicling of my trip (dubbed “Expedition: Spain”) but in fact I’m only here for 2 weeks and as such have chosen to enjoy it rather than spend much of each day trying to consolidate the previous 24 hours into words. I will, though, throw one out there every 3-4 days, and here goes…
Let me start off with my ignorant pre-visit American perspective of what Spain would be like. Essentially, if I haven’t seen it in a movie I have no frame of reference for what it would be like unless I visit it and as such had no idea what Spain would be like. A part of me felt like I would be ass deep in conquistadors and everyone would look very similar to Inigo Montoya.
Fact is, Europeans are more fashionable, more attractive, more friendly, and in better shape than Americans. I’m a fan. An avid one, at that. Part of the reason I love to people watch in America is because the general population is just short of abominable. You have to TRY to find fat people here. Literally try. In America at any given time I can know the proximity of a fatty sans looking just by being aware of which direction their gravitational force is pulling me towards (Safety note: Never run carefree through a McDonalds). Of course, I was in Madrid, the New York of Spain, and found myself amidst a sea of loveliness. Tall, beautiful women. Men wearing ensembles I would accrue more credit debt to acquire. Architecturally fantastic buildings fill the pleasant streets as window shopping is nothing short of pleasurably with each one seemingly more meticulously decorated than the last. I kind of love it here.
Then I traveled to Sevilla. Not exactly the BFE of Spain (do they say BFE anywhere else in the world? I mean, Egypt isn’t that far. Were I to move here would I start saying Butt Fucking Phoenix?) and a fairly metropolitan city, but already I found vast differences, mainly being in attractiveness. Madrid is to New York as Sevilla is to Atlanta. This of course compared in no way to the “country”. During the 417km drive to Sevilla we had to do the usual gas/pee/snack break, and if you’re unfortunate enough to have a numero dos up your sleeve good luck gritting through the upper thigh burning that’s sure to ensue once you position yourself in your favorite “toilet hover” stance. The last “European country” toilet I saw looked like it’d been fashioned by a Calcutta prison worker in the 19th century and I thanked God in that moment that I am not a woman who, were I made to live here, would most likely have the same thighs as Lou Ferrigno.
If you’ve read Erik Voss’ note concerning how people look when you leave the main city, then you already have a good idea. Once outside the metropolitan area I have a constant feeling like I’m near Chernobyl, and honestly, while waiting in the gas station line, I start thinking that Quatto will be at the end of it asking me to help him bring down Cohaagen. This just makes sense. In any area of the world, people with money or near large cities look, dress and all around are more attractive. I’m sure this has to do with the ability to afford things like dental care, gym equipment/memberships, and sex without your relatives. To me, an introduction of “Frank, meet my sister-mother, Ruth” seems out of place, but I’m sure to some people who don’t mind wading in a shallow gene pool with too many chemicals it’s second nature…and first cousin.
Fact is, this country is beautiful. Hills, trees, farmland, all different and new. My more than elementary ability to speak Spanish has flourished in the past 5 days, and one of my greatest regrets in college, retrospectively, is not having studied abroad as many American students are here and loving it. I could go into so much detail about Spain and different topics, but no one’s attention span could handle it, and truthfully a lot of it would be boring, so I’ll leave it at this for now.
P.S. Spanish women are hot. Really hot. If anyone does research into Spanish mail-order brides, let me know if they FedEx.
